Skip to main content

The Ice Cream Man (2026) – A Brain Freeze Without the Sweetness

Watching the trailer for The Ice Cream Man left me puzzling over its identity. I couldn't pin down if I was in for a tense thriller, a funny horror romp in the vein of Cooties, or the grim launch of the next big slasher franchise. Oh my god, please tell me it is not the last, because this project was a failure in almost every conceivable metric, period. Normally, I'd break down the minutiae of a film's architecture in my reviews, but this production simply isn't worth the effort of even my usual writings.

Image by IMDb

The Only Cherry on Top

Let’s start with the positives, mostly because it will take significantly less time. The gore effects are executed extremely well. The fake blood actually looks right, the internal organs look like genuine organs, and the kills themselves were okay. If you are exclusively trying to learn the art of gore, there is something to observe here.

Image by Dread Central

A Portfolio Piece Disguised as a Feature

That is exactly where the good ends. Instead of a cinematic experience, this movie essentially functions as a special effects film student’s attempt to show off their portfolio. That’s it. There is absolutely no substance to the film at all. Calling the writing "poor" is giving it some serious leeway, and the cinematography—if you can even call it that—is bland, unoriginal, sloppy, and boring. It genuinely felt like it should have been a short story designed to highlight someone's FX prowess rather than a bloated feature film. No wonder it took seven different production companies to get this lard off the ground.

Image by Dread Central

Thinner Than a Strand of Hair

The narrative structure is thinner than a strand of hair. There are so many glaring inconsistencies in their own established "lore" that I can’t even list them all here. Hell, Terrifier has a far better plot and lore than this did. Within ten minutes of the opening credits rolling, I muttered to myself, “Oh great. It’s a gore film for the sake of being gory.” The creators forgot a golden rule: just because you CAN do something, doesn’t always mean you should.

Image by IGN

A Soured Batch

Ultimately, The Ice Cream Man Abandons any pretense of storytelling to serve up hollow violence. It masquerades as a feature film while offering nothing more than a visceral sizzle reel. Don't waste your time even watching this unless you have a strictly academic interest in practical effects.

Image by ScreenRant

Final Score: 1 out of 10

An impressive showcase of practical gore effects hopelessly trapped inside a feature film devoid of plot, consistent lore, or competent cinematography. This just proves that just because you have the effects budget, doesn't mean you have a movie.

Pros:

✅ Extremely well-done gore effects. Realistic-looking blood and internal organs.

✅ Acceptable kills.

Cons:

❌ Bland, sloppy, unoriginal and boring cinematography.

❌ A plot thinner than a strand of hair with deeply inconsistent lore.

❌ Functions as an overlong student portfolio rather than a true feature film.

❌ Poor writing that completely lacks substance.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Final Destination: Bloodlines – A Bloody Fun Return to Form

I’m a big fan of the Final Destination series, so I was honestly surprised to hear that another installment was in the works. Part 5 wrapped things up in such a neat little bow that it felt like the story had come full circle. So when Bloodlines was announced, I was hesitantly optimistic. Could they recapture the magic (and mayhem) of the originals without running the whole thing into the ground? I’m glad to report—it was worth the price of admission. Image by Pacific Science Center Not Shakespeare, But It’ll Do Let’s just be clear up front: this is not some masterpiece of screenwriting. The plot is about as flimsy as ever, and no one here is giving an Oscar-caliber performance. But let’s be real—if you’re showing up to a Final Destination movie expecting award-winning drama, you’ve already wandered into the wrong theater. That said, the writing didn’t make me want to claw my ears off either, which is more than I can say for a lot of recent horror flicks. It was… fine. Image by The...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Monkey (2025): Don't March to This Drum

I had no idea what I was getting into with The Monkey. I went in more or less blind, but given that it was based on a Stephen King story, I had some hope. With the success of It and even the more mediocre Pet Sematary remake, I figured this could be another solid King adaptation. Man, was I ever misguided. Image by IMDb Aesthetic Confusion: What Year Is It? Right away, something felt off. The film starts in 1999—or at least that’s what it claims—but absolutely nothing in the children’s room or the general set design reflects that era. No Blockbuster VHS tapes, no Nirvana posters, no era-appropriate TV shows, not even the right music. Instead, it all feels straight out of the 80s. Then we meet the boys’ Aunt and Uncle, and we’re suddenly in That 70’s Show . The uncle even has the classic 70’s sideburns. The entire aesthetic is a bizarre mishmash of decades, making it feel like the filmmakers didn’t actually care about immersing the audience in the supposed time period. Image by Th...
Post a Comment
Read more

Speak No Evil (2024): A Missed Opportunity Wrapped in Predictability

The prospect of Speak No Evil (2024) intrigued me from the get-go. It’s a chilling thought: meeting strangers who could turn out to be sadistic killers—an everyday occurrence with terrifying possibilities. The potential for genuine thrills was there, but unfortunately, the film didn’t deliver the suspense it promised. Image by IMDb Something’s Just... Off I can’t quite put my finger on what was "wrong" with this movie, but there’s definitely something missing. Speak No Evil takes its sweet time introducing us to the characters and setting up the plot. It’s like the film was determined to make sure we were well-acquainted with everyone before anything remotely exciting happened. It’s not inherently bad to build up your characters, but when you’re an hour into a thriller, and nothing thrilling has happened, there's a problem. Image by CBR James McAvoy: The Misfire Performance I usually consider James McAvoy a standout star, but in this film, he just didn’t land for me. In...
Post a Comment
Read more